Is There Alcohol in Here?

My favorite question. I know that most of you were taught that there is no such thing as a stupid question, but whoever taught you that lied because you were probably the one asking a stupid question and they figured you were gullible and not very intelligent. Asking the bartender if he/she remembered to put alcohol in your alcoholic drink--is a stupid question. I love when a customer comes up with their Long Island and asks me what I put in it...well...uh let me see...and then I go through with them, step by step, portion for portion, what I put into their glass. As much as I hate you, I don't get paid to fill up your glass with sweet and sour, top it off with coke, and garnish it with a lemon so OF COURSE I PUT ALCOHOL IN THERE! Now go sit down and shut up because you're ruining my view of the dining area with your aura of stupidity you delusional alcoholic. Unless you just think that I was born yesterday. God bless your poor soul, it's probably both.

Oh, Valentine's Day

For most this is a day filled with chocolates, flowers, cheesy cards, balloons, pink and red hearts, breakfast in bed, romantic dinners--a day we show appreciation to those we care about, usually with one special person in mind. I would like to take this time to acknowledge the 13 tables lucky enough to be served by moi. Since I am extremely humble I do not expect any compensation. Mostly because Southern California Edison called and informed me that they are now accepting "verbal tips" as legitimate forms of payment for my monthly bill. So save those dollar bills, folks.

I could only imagine how romantic it must have been...to be staring into your lovers eyes...BBQ sauce in the corners of your mouth and encrusted into your fingernails. Say, who needs to spend $30 on Dior lipstick or get a manicure when you have a gooey dark BBQ sauce that works as a duo? Then, how the greasy residue from the fries and chicken must have illuminated your mouth in such a way that made you irresistible to her. Because there's no need for Gucci cologne when you can smell like rancid grease for the low price of $9.99. And then, how the many TVs showing the college basketball game your eyes were glued to for the majority of date elevated your excitement of sharing this special day with your one and only. Who needs dim lighting, candles, and nice scenery anyway? I can only imagine, in my wildest dreams, in a universe unreal to me, how special this person is to you. Lucky her. So, so lucky. I would be swooning with jealously over your perfect Valentine's Day dinner if that $100 bill you used to pay your $25 tab would have left me a $5 bill. Because then I could justify my jealousy over this clearly sentimental date with the fact that although my boyfriend is an unromantic jerk, at least he's a baller. But instead you pay your small bill with a large bill and leave me with a messy table full of crumpled up napkins and gum wrappers. Classy. Well I just wanted to say thank you. I learned a valuable lesson. Never date a man who takes you to fried chicken and ribs on Valentine's Day because chances are, he's not really a baller, he's a cheap bastard.

Just to Clarify...

Here I will talk about things that you shouldn't say to your waitress. To most of you, these things may seem like common sense. But let me tell you, common sense ain't so common. I will talk about experiences that I have had that may seem unreal. But let me tell you, you ain't seen nothin' yet. I will also express my feelings about clientele that I have had the pleasure of serving by posting the beautiful experience to this lovely blog. Nothing I post here will be made up or by any means fake. To the best of my ability I solemnly swear to post these truthful experiences for you all to enjoy. Unfortunately for you, but with my best interest in mind, I have decided not to disclose the restaurant I work at or the location for fear of unwelcomed spectators for my future shifts. But I do promise that I am a waitress just trying to pay the bills.