Fake IDs Are Bad

Fake IDs are bad and I hate you.
Have a great weekend.

Big Tippers

It's plain and simple. If you have to say you're a big tipper, chances are, you're probably not a big tipper.

It's like when your friend says that she hates drama, but then ends up being a dramatic bitch.  Or when your significant other swears he/she isn't crazy, but then ends up being a psychotic, overwhelming, murderous, whirlwind of crazy.

We're used to these situations because we always fall into them. We expect the best out of people.

It's a solid approach. If someone meets you for the first time, you have the ability to make them believe anything you want to about yourself. For instance: When I walk up to your table you would think I'm a friendly, happy, caring, sweet girl. Little do you know...

But fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Now take note, because what I'm about to tell you works in every aspect of life, and you can take certain precautions to make sure you are not being fooled.

What I've learned, is that if you have to emphasize something about yourself to another person, then that person is probably doubting you for obvious reasons, and you're probably not what you say are. And when you emphasize that special trait, that you swear you have, chances are, the other person will believe you.

The difference between me tricking you into thinking I'm angelic, and you tricking me into thinking you're a big tipper, is that my trickery makes your night better. Your trickery makes my night infuriating. You're causing emotional harm. That's cruel.

This is wrong and immoral.

Don't be that person.

You're Hungry?

"Hello, my name's Taryn, I'll be-"
"That's great. We're starving."

"We're starving." Oh fantastic. Guests are never hungry. I remember my first time being hungry. Let me get your food out ASAP. Every other table in the restaurant came here because they're full, but you, YOU came here because you're hungry. That's great.You probably haven't eaten since 2pm today and it's now 6:30, dinner time--who knew you'd be hungry.

Then, because you're "so hungry" you start to complain about everything. Why is my silverware dirty? Why is my food cold? Why is our table sticky? Why don't you have the Laker game on? Why is it so cold in here? Why does my margarita taste like sweet and sour?

If you're that hungry, you will just eat. You will just sit down. Shut up. And eat.

But let me see...

Your food is cold because I hate you.
I don't have the Laker game on because I hate you.
It's cold in here because I hate you.
Your table is dirty because I hate you.
And your margarita sucks because I hate you.

Is that what you wanted to hear? I DON'T KNOW WHY YOUR NIGHT IS SO HORRIBLE. Every other table in here seems to be having a great night.

I'm your server. I'm not God. Don't ask me questions that I don't know the answers to. But if you rephrase your question, and ask me nicely, I would be more than willing to help you out. I don't have answers, I just have the ability to find solutions. The world is not out to get you. The world actually doesn't even care that you exist.

Maybe it's karma. Maybe you're just a really bad person. Maybe its a personality disorder. Maybe you don't have the ability to ever be satisfied.

There are millions of possibilities. But truth is, I don't care enough about you to go out of my way to make your night horrible. Actually, I WANT you to have a good night because the better night you have, the better night I tend to have.


But if you're polite to me, I may have sympathy on your poor soul and actually want to help you out. It's your choice. My suggestion is don't be rude to the person that is serving your food.

The Menu

One appetizer, two entrees, 20 dollars...

Yeah, so, you get to share one appetizer and pick two entrees for only 20 dollars...

I'm sorry I should have said starter, I didn't mean to confuse you...

Correct, so then, it's one starter and two entrees....

An entree is your meal...

Yes, exactly, and then you pay 20 dollars...

You know, I can only explain the same damn thing in so many different ways before I want to start stabbing you with my pen. I know small children that can read and speak better than half my clientele . The menus are not written to deceive you.

I know this is mean, but whenever my guest asks a stupid question I always make a point to open their menu and POINT to the answer. Well lets see here...turn to page 2...right down there at the bottom...the Ribeye--it's 12oz. And then I point to "12oz." with my pen as if I'm a teacher educating a poor, deranged, hopeless child.

It's tough love.

Although I don't feel too bad because the answers to all your questions are inside of that rectangular, 3 page, informational guide right in front of you. It's the closest most of my clientele will probably ever get to reading a book so I encourage them to at least skim through it. Pretend that they're smart. Pretend like they have at least an elementary school education.

I want to like them. I really do. But they're hopeless, and I'm not Hilary Swank, and this restaurant is not a classroom, and this is not a scene from "Freedom Writers." I do not believe in a successful future for them and i just want them to leave. Immediately. Decide to go eat at one of the many restaurants within walking distance from the one you're at.

As much as I wish most of my hours at work were not real life because it is discouraging--they are, and sometimes it's depressing and seems unfair. But I would much rather have my life than theirs because they don't know what "appetizer" means or know how to read. Truly unfortunate.